The Story of my Desire to do a Forward Roll on the M25


Every time I drive down a motorway I get an almost uncontrollable urge to dance on it with vigorous heterosexual abandon. Of course, for obvious safety reasons I’d need to stop all the traffic first; but once that problem was out of the way, the fun could really begin. And what fun it would be. I’d run around on all that lovely clean, virgin, flat tarmac and wave my hands in the air (like I just didn’t care). Once I’d done that, I’d make sure I did a couple of star-jumps and then rub my chin all over the hard shoulder and get bits of grit in my beard.  The main thing I’d want to do though is a forward roll.  I would forsake all the other things I’ve just mentioned if I could just do a forward roll on a motorway.

A while back I took the bull by the horns and wrote to the then Transport Secretary Philip Hammond to ask if I could do a forward roll on the M25 (the greatest of all the motorways).  He (or rather some low-level office clerk) wrote a right snotty letter back.  I won’t bore you with the details, but the short of the letter was that because of health and safety blah blah blah they would have to say no. Ridiculous.

I accepted the Government’s unwillingness to help me with good grace, and promptly forgot all about it.  The problem was that my desire to do a forward roll on a motorway has not left me.  Yes, I push it to the back of my mind, but it’s always there, like the guarantee of a terrible experience every time you go into Currys.  So I’ve decided to have another bash at making my dream come true, not least because a new set of people are now in government  and they may take a far more sensible view of my request. So here’s the letter I’ve popped off to Transport Secretary The RT Hon Justine Greening MP this morning.  I’ve seen a photo of her and she has a friendly face, so I’m pretty optimistic.
Oh, and another thing.  This letter below isn’t the actual one I sent because the font on it is huge.  I just made it this big for the photos so it was easy to read.  If I  had sent her this actual letter with the huge font size she would not only have thought I was odd, but she would have chided me for signing it in the wrong place. No.  The font size I chose for the actual letter was 12 and I signed it just where you are supposed to sign a letter (above my printed name, not below it).
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