We live in an age of celebrity. Everyone wants to be one, and those who don’t want to be one want a retweet from one. Personally, I’ve never asked for a retweet. Well, I did ask for one off Michael Barrymore once, but that was a joke, and to be fair to the lad he obliged. I’m going off-track here.
The fact is that, as a nation, we get very excited by the concept of celebrity. I suppose I’m no different. I’ll slag Bono off all day long, but if I saw him coming out of my local Robert Dyas I’d probably get quite excited and text someone. I wouldn’t go up to him and hassle him though because that’s just wrong (even though it is Bono and, quite frankly, he deserves to have his life blighted by stupid members of the public day in, day out).
But yet again, I’m going off-track. What I’m trying to say is that I’m not the sort of man to hassle someone famous. I believe that (just like us pointless people) they have a right to go about their business unhindered and unhassled. Which is why I’ve decided, as a little person, to give something back to people in the public gaze. No retweet pleadings, no photo requests, no autograph demands from me. I’m going to reverse this relationship of take, take, take. It’s time to get altruistic with the well-known folk.
What I shall be doing is contacting the celebrities who I like via Twitter and making them a concrete offer. I will, at a time of their choosing, buy them an ice cream (up to the value of £2.40) when they are next in my hometown of Brighton. There are no strings attached. I’ll meet them by the pier, say hello, buy them an ice cream, ask them why they chose that particular ice cream and then be on my way. That is all.
I should make it clear that the ice cream cap of £2.40 is a very important thing. We live in a competitive and ego-centric world. It would be very easy to think that certain people, because of their fame, deserve better ice creams than others. Barack Obama, for example, probably deserves a better ice cream than David Van Day. But I’m having none of it. Everyone is equal in my offer, and that is why, Dalai Lama or Coleen Nolan, you’re getting no more than £2.40 spent on you. To put that in context, they can have a Cornetto, but not a Magnum Gold. I must stress that these rules are non-negotiable, and woe betide anyone who tries to get all diva-ish about it (Mariah Carey, Martine McCutcheon).
This morning I tentatively dipped my foot into the world of ice cream altruism by contacting Claire from pop band Steps. This is what I politely sent to her.
At the moment I’ve not heard a thing. I’m surprised to be honest. You’d think she would have jumped at the chance to have a free ice cream – everyone likes a free ice cream. But no, not a sausage from her. It’s odd, very odd.
But that was only the first offer. There will be many more to come, of that you can be sure. And this is where you could possibly be kind and help out. Do you know a celebrity (and my concept of celebrity is VERY wide) who would like a free ice cream (up to the value of £2.40)? If so, why not tell them about my offer and I’m sure we could sort something out. Like I said, there are no strings attached here. However, if any of the celebrities did want to enjoy their ice cream whilst strolling on the pier, I would be happy to accompany them and point out sights of interest and give them the historical background and relevant facts. Like I say though, that’s optional. I’m easy either way.
Here are some of my other offers.