Phil Lucas
Pointless Rambling
Categories
- A Brand Logo for Every Human Being
- Art
- Asking David Cameron About Doing a Forward Roll
- Bad Heart FM
- Bad Portraits of Barry Gibb
- Bad Things Jimmy Did.
- Being an MP
- Breakfast TV Presenters and Bread
- Buildings from Helicopters in BBC TV Shows
- Celebrity Mermaids
- Celebrity Mermaids Video
- Channel 5 Promo
- Counting Nozzles
- Dame Maggie Smith Sings
- Deeply Political Stuff
- Defending Ashley Cole
- Donor Card
- Educating People
- Farming Advice From Beyoncé.
- Fitness
- Food
- Freaks
- Free Ice Creams for the Famous
- Fun on Roads
- Helping Public Anger
- Ideas to Improve Brighton Seafront
- Jamiroquai Theme Park
- Jessie J and a Wok
- Jimmy Savile
- Job Application
- Joke
- Losing Twitter Followers
- Lost Stuff Needs Finding
- Making vince into Ben
- Motivational Messages
- Planning Notices
- Politics
- Popstars Working in the Office
- Porno Post Boxes
- postcards
- Promoting the Abacus
- Putting Food in Pint Glasses
- Science
- Showers
- Signs in Coffee Shop Toilets
- Space Raiders and Wealth
- Stupid Opening Times of Shops
- Suzanne Vega Sings to Fruit
- Things to do if You're Bored
- Uncategorized
- Voodoo Signs
- Words to Inspire
- Worthwhile Charity work
Twitter Updates
- I didn't mean to post that photo of a slug just then. It was meant for someone specific. 6 days ago
- Oh,it was @TenOnePhoto who took the Kate Garraway saucepan photo. They also took this one. http://t.co/mQpBwHIdHk 6 days ago
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These are absolutely brilliant. Thank you for brightening my day! Will have a look for them around town
Ah, thank you very much. That has made freezing at 7.30am this morning with only a ball of blu-tac to keep me warm all worthwhile. Cheers.
Excellent work.
Do you have a lot of time on your hands btw?
Thank you very much. Let’s hope the council sees sense and allows these all through without need for any of that silly appeals and review nonsense. I make time for this sort of thing. In fact, it’s my priority
Awesome work
Thank you very much indeed. Very kind.
Love these, going to have a hunt for some tomorrow!
Ah, thank you very much. I hope there will be one or two still there.
Lovely work fella!
Thank you very much indeed. It’s good to know the early start and freezing conditions I put my poor limbs through were worth the suffering.
I am 83 years old and do not want your music all night near where i live. how can brighton council accept thses plans it is not fair on us elderly that liVed through world wars. pleasse don’t let this happen, thankyou, mrs g lucas i’M 83.
Dear Mrs Lucas (nice name by the way)
I am sorry to hear that you feel my planned music nights to raise valuable funds for the cockerel sanctuary are not to your liking. Although I fully understand your concerns I would just like to point out that we will be staging a variety of musical genres on the nights. Whereas I feel safe in saying you may not appreciate the dirty dubstep, I hope that Shakira Lynn (our Shakira/Vera Lynn mash-up tribute act) would placate you in some way; especially as I note your age and am aware of how popular Vera Lynn was during the dark days of World War 2.
Please do pop along when she is on. I think you’ll really enjoy her version of We’ll Meet Again. It has all the poignance of the original, but with a much needed digital makeover and upbeat bass.
Let me know when you want to come down and I’ll personally show you around all of our friendly cockerels.
Yours sincerely,
Phil Lucas
….but seriously Phil, they are brilliant. Like the signs on the tube, wonderful.
Thank you very much. Very kind of you. I’m chuffed it’s not jsut me who likes them.
Proper lols from me too – great work!
Thank you very much indeed. If only my girlfriend hadn’t ripped one up when she was drunk because she though it could end up in me getting sued, then there would have been one more here.
perfect
Ah, thank you very much indeed.
I am very much massively sharing this with the whole of the internet near me. Hilarious.
Thank you very much indeed. Share, steal, burn, hug – do whatever you wish. Thanks again.
Outstanding! Spent way tool long being amused at the Application Numbers.
Thank you. I’m glad you noticed that. I was pleased with that bit, but by about the 6th one I was running out of planes I could think of.
And just when I was beginning to think that the traditional offbeat British sense of humour had gone on holiday….Yr a star Phil !
Ah, thank you so much, that’s very kind of you indeed. I’m an idiot really.
Genius! Wish I’d stayed in town after work and tried to hunt some of them down. Can’t help thinking if these were real and approved they would make for a far more colourful Brighton.
I don’t get it. They are real. My friend Melvin Tangster is a man of means and dedication.
Made my day!
Thank you very much, that’s very kind.
Brilliant… well done Phil, and… um…. Melvin! The best way to counter all the silliness in the world is to mock it. And it’s true, everyone DOES love a newt !!! Unfortunately I think Mrs Lucas neglected to mention how old she is and how many wars she lived through… I was wondering if she might write in again to clarify (on a postcard, whatever that is !!).
I do hope she does. I’d hate to think of her all alone, angry and worried for no reason. My cockerel sanctuary will give her a lovely day out and a complimentary cup of tea. Hell, she may even stay for one of our Ministry of Sound type ‘Weekenders’.
I agree with you. It’s a daft and messed about world, and it’s best to take a step back and glory in the ridiculousness of it all.
Hi Phil, you are a man after my own heart, I too understand the plight of these poor cockerels, I would be willing to inject a healthy dose of cash in exchange for a small garden shed for our vuvzela testing facility, We need some space to test them at night time to see how the night time humidity effects them, We also have an up and coming electric mouth organ and bag pipe orchestra, we practice on wednesdays at around two AM, the reason for this is that it is the only time our bagpipe solo artist can get across from Germany. We play music I feel will suit, we do some very good Richard Clayderman and Skrillex pieces. I look forward to your correspondance.
Dear Jake,
I have read your correspondence with great enthusiasm. So excited was I by what you proposed that I faxed Melvin Tangster and got him to come over straight away to discuss it all.
I’m very pleased to report that we are both in agreement that a vuvuzela testing facility is both a forward thinking and potentially money-making venture. If we erected the shed would you have any problems if we separated your actual workspace from the public by means of a large glass panel? That way the punters could pay to enter the shed and watch you all hard at work. We would use that clever glass that you can only see one way through. That way none of your employees would be distracted by the oafs who chose to visit.
Both Melvin and I are also in agreement that an electric mouth organ and bagpipe orchestra would be a useful addition to the sanctuary. Cockerels, as you know, are inquisitive birds. They like new sounds and thrive off of them. Your orchestra could only benefit these wonderful creatures. 2AM is, by sheer coincidence, the time when the birds are at their most inquisitive. It is also a well-known fact that most flightless birds enjoy the relaxing sounds of Clayderman. And this is where I am similar to so much poultry; I enjoy Clayderman too.
It all seems a perfect match. Let’s do this.
Yours sincerely,
Phil Lucas & Melvin Tangster
the Adele statue one made me laugh so loud I farted. sorry.
Fart away. I’m pleased my writing helped you.
Love them. Sadly I live in Worthing!
Ah, thank you very much indeed. I’m sure I could come up with some for Worthing. I’ll put my mind to it.
The school one seems totally feasible as an actual planning notice – except for the lack of money for museums these days. I really enjoyed these.
Thank you very much indeed. I know we need schools and stuff, but I do like a helicopter, so it seems a very sensible idea to me. If the council have any sense they would not only grant planning permission, but finance the whole project to the hilt.
Very amusing! I’ve seen far worse projects getting Art Council Funding! Just puts it all into perspective.
Thanks so much, that’s lovely of you to say. Maybe I should apply. I’d like nothing more than to get paid for sticking signs on trees and lamposts.
[...] Planning Notices in Brighton. [...]
Lovely – conceptual sculpture that would have delighted Magritte -
if Magritte had been brought forward in time, educated in modern culture, had his teeth removed and told painting was a dead art…
I like this very much indeed. It’s an analogy I take great pleasure from. Why would he have his teeth removed though? I’m missing something, aren’t I?
You are absolutely insane, my eyes are still watering. Long live Melvin Tangster!
Ah, thank you so much, very kind indeed. I will pass on your best wishes to Melvin as soon as I next see him.
Reblogged this on Sundry Times and commented:
This made me smile
Thanks very much, that’s very kind of you indeed. Ta loads.
Love the plane / car inspired planning notices. Only twigged at TSR2 and had to scroll back to double check! Most entertaining for a chilly Saturday. Thanks.
Thanks very much. Pleased you noticed that. After about the 6th poster I was running out of planes in my head. That’s why airships and a couple of 80s synthesizers started to appear.
Awesome. Well done that man.
Ah, thank you very much indeed. How kind of you.
I mean, the Bakelite one has to be my favourite
Thank you. I like that one too. I mean, I really would quite like to see it happen too, I must make that clear.
Love it! As someone who has to deal with planning matters – I wish they could all be so straight forward and clearly acceptable as these.
Thank you very much. I’m hoping the council see sense. I can’t see any problems with an atomic weapons research facility on the 7th floor of a residential tower block. I should imagine it’s the sort of issue you see most days.
Thanks, you’ve brightened my day no end!
Ah, thank you very much. Very kind of you. I’m glad you enjoyed them.
this prankster should be sued/charged for wasting council officer time…..
Absolutely. With you 100%
Ttthis makew me so angry I want o murder a goat sheep or cow with a prod
Please don’t kill any farmyard animals on my account, they don’t deserve that. They are innocent beasts.
aaaaa why so tou even mention that I am going to the farm and am taking my prod animal BEWARE
[...] Pointless Rambling (by Phil Lucas)… [...]
How dare you seek to replace Queen Victoria with a pop star, no matter how pregnant!
She should be replaced by a statue of Grace Hopper, the computer programmer celebrated for the world’s first computer bug. Her team also invented the computer language COBOL. Coincidence? I think not.
Is she was ever pregnant then Grace Hopper it is. Your argument has won me over.
Sadly, she never was. She and her husband split in 1945 and she never remarried; instead she carried on working for the US Navy until they made her retire in 1986, at the age of 79. She then got another job and carried on working until her death 6 years later. All true!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Hopper if you want to know more about her.
Yes, when you sent me your comment i went and did some research. What a truly amazing woman, and what an incredible inspiration. If we were to take the nonsense of all of this Adele stuff out of the equation for a moment, then somewhere there must be or should be some fitting memorial to this incredible lady. Fascinating stuff. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
Ah, she has a memorial park. I’ve just checked.
[...] Should See This / Strange, Beautiful and Unexpected: Planned Cities Seen From Space (via MeFi) / planning notices in Brighton (via beta). The addition of a laminator would tip these over the [...]
I know. My girlfriend said to me, “you need to laminate those,” and I said, “no, don’t worry, nobody will notice.” I was so, so wrong.
Brilliant!!!
Thanks very much indeed. Very kind of you.
Wonderful! My cat Bert is particularly excited about thge possibility of his painting being displayed
Thank you. This is wonderful news. He can be the inaugural mog in the gallery. In fact, if you ever get the desire send me a photo of the little chap I will happily put it into Photoshop to give it the oil paining look. Alas, I cannot paint -I’m not artist, but in this day and age, who needs to when you’ve got PhotoShop? The punters in the gallery will be none the wiser.
Wonderful. Here it is: http://www.flickr.com/photos/silviam/3247330286/
But why stopping at an art display? I think that Brighton’s Marine Parade should be renamed Bert Avenue.
I’ve gone for an Impressionist take on this fine creature. It suits him I feel. If it’s OK with you I’d like to put him just by the ticket desk. Lure people in, that’s the plan.
Alas, I am unable to attach a photo to this reply. If you have a Twitter place or an email, I can send it there. He really is a mog that was made to be painted.
Good idea regarding Marine Parade. I’ll get on to the council straight away. They know me.
Wonderful. I’ll start a petition to have Bert immortalised on the next set of Royal Mail commemorative stamps instead of the forthcoming royal sprog.
I really want to know what the one your girlfriend tore up was for
Ah, well it was from Europe’s largest leisure group proposing to turn Hove Town Hall into the nation’s leading gay rodeo. My girlfriend decided that the company (Merlin Entertainments) could sue me (I disagreed). She then ripped it up. She was drunk.
Brilliant. Are you going to produce a book of these? I’m amazed you didn’t get some outraged complaints. I would have thought Levi Roots would have risen to the bait. It would be fun to have a book with a notice on one page and complaints on the opposite page. Where are all the grumpy old farts when you need them? I wish you success and loadsa money from this wonderful exercise.
Zoe x (grumpy old fart)
Hello there,
Thanks for your nice comments. I’ve got no plans to do anything with them. In fact, my life tends to consist of no plans beyond sticking signs to lamp posts and trees. I do have a publisher, but they are a poetry only company, so this sort of thing wouldn’t be their bag at all. Of course, if a large publishing house came to me with a substantial advance and said, “we think this would make an ideal toilet book,” then I probably wouldn’t turn it down. In fact, I know I wouldn’t turn it down.
I know what you mean about Roots. I’d like to have heard from him. I’ve have placated him by telling him that I like his sauce and the odd ready meal that he contracts his name out to othe companies to produce.
Kickstarter (or similar such thing) it!
It’s the sort of profound silliness i’d happily throw money at
Wonderful job! Please come to San Francisco and repeat your planning application spree. Much scope for you here!
I would love to. It’s the top of my list for places I would most like to go to. Maybe Donald Trump or someone could fund it. Maybe I’ll write him a letter and ask.
Excellent use of the term ‘dirigibles’. First class effort.
Thank you very much. I love an airship me. I really do!
Hi Phil,
These are fantastic – we’d like to potentially send them out together as a set to send to the national papers as a funny light hearted story. Would you be happy for us to do that? I work for South West News Service. You can contact us on pix@swns.com
Regards,
Adam
Hi Adam, I’d be totally happy for you to do that, so feel free to use whatever you want. I’ll email you my email if that makes sense.
God bless you Mr Trant for thinking of us Hove dwelling Roger Federer fans. It warns my tennis loving heart.
It struck me as a gap in the market. I can barely walk down the street in Hove without hearing someone moaning, “What’s Roger up to? Why can’t people tell us?”
[...] (we recommend choosing the ‘Full Screen’ option for optimum viewing pleasure). You can check out more here on Lucas’s blog – and follow him on Twitter [...]
You are: 1 – a genius, and 2 – bookmarked in my Bookmarks (as ir were).
Thanks for brightening up my Monday, I fear there may be postings in a similar vein appearing in the Nottingham area, I shall endeavour to ensure that you are credited in some obscure way….
Thank you for the nice comments; very kind of you. Oh please do take this to Nottingham, it would be great to see what you come up with.
*it*
My plan to turn the Shard in London into a knitting museum, using the height of the shard to house the worlds biggest knitting needles (belonging to Doris Worthing who was at the time of her sad demise knitting what she called a ‘tea cosy for the moon’ ) was turned down by Southwark council due to concerns around health and safety. However, I clearly stated in my planning application that I would have made up 100ft wide balls of wool to cap the sharp points of the needles.
My advice to you is always check the small print as they got me on a parliamentary act from 1683 which made it illegal to knit in groups of ten or more with a loud repetitive click.
I also feel that you may be taking too many projects on which may lead to a stress and dangerous levels of consumption of tea.
Regards
Harold Walton
The Old Lodge, New Whitham
These people are fools. Even from your limited opportunity to explain the details of your vision to me I can see both the good sense and revenue generating benefit within them. That’s the problem with this modern age, we are health and safety mad. What this does is limit the opportunities for fine ideas like yours to flourish. The world’s tallest knitting needles would have brought millions of new tourists into this country every hour. I should imagine the wealth generated from them would probably have given us an opportunity to have a crack at another Empire.
Well, all I can say is never give up. If Southwark don’t want you, have you considered The Emley Moor Transmitter? It’s a fine structure.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emley_Moor_transmitting_station
Dear Mr Tangster,
I find your ideas for a cockerel sanctuary offensive, sexist and racist. It is no fault of capons that they won’t be developing into cockerels, due to having had various of their bits and pieces removed. Equally, if it weren’t for the lowly hen, there would be no cockerels at all.
And what about mallards and ganders? I don’t think you’ve thought this through.
Yours sincerely,
Charles Standing
Dear Mr Standing,
Thank you for your message. Mr Tangster has tasked me with replying to you. I hope you don’t mind, but he’s busy doing something with tubes and gloves.
I am very sorry to hear you are disappointed with Mr Tangster’s plan to create a cockerel sanctuary. Particularly as the very reasons you state against these poor birds are the very reasons Mr Tangster is so keen to offer them some sort of solace. As to your charges of racism, I have instructed Duncan at Lawyers 4U to write to you at the earliest available opportunity. I shall write no more on the matter, suffice to say, watch your letterbox – Duncan writes a mean letter.
As for mallards and ganders, they are catered for quite well already through the fine work of the RSPB and The Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust. Mr Tangster feels no need to step on either of these two worthy institution’s toes. Last time he did that there was blood. Not again.
Thank you for taking the time to write. Until you hear from Duncan at Lawyers 4U may I wish you all the very best.
Phil Lucas (on behalf of Mr Melvin Tangster)
[...] Planning Notices in Brighton – Phil Lucas has been putting planning notices around the place, such as: [...]
[...] in an “I wish I’d thought of that” sort of stunt, this guy has been stapling funny fake planning notices all over Brighton. Do check it out. And the rest of [...]
[...] a look at Mr Phil Lucas and his pointless [...]
Does the town of Brighton and Hove actually have a mosque as its letterhead? WTF?
Ah, that will be Brighton Pavilion. It’s a wonderful structure. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Royal_Pavilion
Please, please reconsider closing the primary school and turning it into a helicopter museum. Helicopters have been done to death, autogyros are where it’s at nowadays. I think a good gyrocopter museum in Brighton would do really well. Especially with a nice pond.
Good God Ken, you’re so right! What was I thinking? There I was letting my Cold War upbringing cloud my judgement. The public don’t want helicopters, of course. Rest assured I will submit a new resolution to the council at the earliest possible opportunity.
[...] of his efforts are documented here. Passive resistance at its [...]
Oh. I would REALLY like to do this where I live!!
DO IT, DO IT.
A breath of fresh air. Loved all the reference numbers too.
Thank very much. I’m glad you like the reference numbers. By about the 6th sign I was running out of planes in my head though.
I find the way you are responding to every post slightly disconcerting. I hope you don’t reply to this one.
No, I won’t reply to this one. It’s purely that I feel if someone takes the time to write a comment, then it’s good manners to reply. That’s what my mum said when I asked her advice.
Oh my goodness, thank you so much. I was literally crying with laughter at the rectangle one.
Ah, thank you very much. That’s very kind of you. I’m glad you like them.
Reblogged this on @amjohnno's junk and commented:
If only these were real.
Hi Phil – I’m dropping you a line from Planning Magazine (www.planningresource.co.uk), we’d like to feature this blog post in our Diary section – would it be possible to use one of these photographs in the magazine? Could you let me know ASAP (ideally, today Wednesday)? My direct line is 020 8267 4690. Cheers.
Hello Phil,
As the Chairman of the United Kingdom Alien Capture and Dissection Association, I wholeheartedly support your recent application of a new alien autopsy facility. Geographically Brighton has a higher level of gravity than the rest of the United Kingdom; disrupting many alien propulsion systems causing accidents in which the alien does not survive. Funding has been tight since we accidentally dissected an elderly ladies’ dog instead of specimen #382-189D.
If you need some upper level clout in your proposal, I would be more than happy to support your claim by playing at a venue of your choice with my lounge band, playing funky death-metal lounge music in order to raise funds for the equipment needed for your facility.
I look forward to the outcome and I’m sure the human race will benefit from more locations of which to cut open and yank out the organs and cranial matter from aliens of a higher intelligence. Specimen #293-631F made a wonderful lampshade.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for your kind email of support. I appreciate you taking the time to communicate with me, and I’m pleased to note that we are both of similar views when it comes to the issue of the siting of a new alien autopsy centre.
Although the issue of Brighton having a higher level of gravity than other UK places was not known to me, in retrospect it would explain some of the strange instances that led me to feel that a centre was needed in this town at the earliest possible opportunity.
Subject to planning permission being granted I would be delighted to take up your kind offer to support us financially with a funky death-metal lounge music night. I can only see this sort of thing being a roaring success.
Thank you once again for getting in contact. Now, please, no more dissecting pensioner’s dogs.
Yours sincerely,
Phil Lucas (on behalf of Melvin Tangster)
Loved them all. A friend of mine attends the urgent intended for the Ham facility but is quite happy to see this change. She feels it will brighten the waiting room no end
This is very good to hear. I’m glad that your friend realises the many benefits that would arise from making this change of use to the premises. We need more like her.
Thanks for the nice comments too, much appreciated.
Sorry last comment sh old have said surgery not urgent. Bliddy predictive typing….
Did you have to put up a planning notice for the planning notices so people were warned?
I don’t but I should do it. Create a sort of Russian doll effect of planning notices.
Hi Phil
Love your sense of humour.What a nice thing to pass around at Christmas
Ah, thank you very much indeed. How kind of you. Glad you like them.